Thoughts on Marriage
I’ve just listened to Maudy Ayunda’s latest YouTube video about adulting and I couldn’t relate more to what she’s saying. She pictured how life after school and marriage could be so disorienting since your parents or school institutions will no longer make decisions for you anymore. Ideally, you would have all the control over the path you would take and be responsible for it. Then you will see how non-linear and unstructured the future is, you might be a little lost or scared at that very point (funny how when we were kids we yearned so badly for our freedom to choose). But that’s okay and that’s normal. Many people experienced this and you’re not alone.
For me, it’s the marriage thing that is not as simple as it may sound. When two humans, two personalities, and two significances become one in a strong samawi’ bond, life changes forever. At first, I thought it was only the status that changed entirely. In fact, having a lifetime partner is a roller-coaster journey of knowing and compromising each other’s strengths and weaknesses.
The First Six Months
These past 6 months have been very challenging, I feel so irritated a lot of time, not to mention the tears I have shed. There’s no doubt that marriage life could be so tough. There are times I feel in a rage and just couldn’t hold it anymore, I loathe my husband so much all I ever think about was taking exits. I don’t care what people think if I ever leave him for the sake of my sanity. I even questioned God and myself why I made such a decision in the first place, not considering all the vague signs given.
But after all the shoutings from the two stubborn minds and desperate moments at the edge of the cliff (I even had packed my stuff once), out of nowhere the saying struck us, “no matter how big the wave is, never leave the ship in any circumstances”. It got me thinking even though I still profoundly hate him; no matter how mad he is toward me, it is always for my own good and rarely for nonsense purposes. His kindness started to come back from getting blurry. His leadership power never ceases to amaze me and maybe this pressures him to turn into the beast he was. He always tells me, “nobody loves you like I do and more than I do”. So I started to make peace with his ways of expressing love and not confronting him like I used to. After all, he and I were fated for each other anyway (Qodarullah) so I should try my best to stay stuck forever and ever with this man.
The Fact We Deny
The truth is there’s a devil named Dasim who has a specialty in making people divorced, so subtle as if we were teenagers yearning for holding hands. Women are obligated to obey their husbands no matter what and our ego is tested so hard. In fact, women are made bent - I once heard on a podcast that women are naturally a riot and that’s why women are rare in Jannah. Now I know why it’s so difficult. Especially when you marry your own best friend, there’s a thin line between wanting him to be your equal partner and not obeying him. No wonder why the Jannah is so expensive, thus having knowledge is important. But for those who can complete the mission, the reward is they can enter it from any door she likes.
Rasulullah shallallahu’alaihi wasallam says,
“إِذَا صَلَّتْ الْمَرْأَةُ خَمْسَهَا، وَصَامَتْ شَهْرَهَا، وَحَفِظَتْ فَرْجَهَا، وَأَطَاعَتْ زَوْجَهَا؛ قِيلَ لَهَا ادْخُلِي الْجَنَّةَ مِنْ أَيِّ أَبْوَابِ الْجَنَّةِ شِئْتِ ”.
“If a woman prays her five prayers, fasts her month of Ramadan, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from any gate she wishes”. (HR. Ahmad).
The Silver Linings
Although there are weaknesses I didn’t anticipate before, I still adore him for who he is because of Allah. It’s not because he gave me wealth to spend on branded gifts or sophisticated leisure; it’s about the quality discussions I had with him without phones and social media. And I am very grateful when we don’t have much yet, Allah gives us sufficiency. A good kaafah family, plenty of food on our plate, stay at any house we want, Alhamdulillah. May Allah always bless us all.
